Really, really rough.
I'm on my fourth round of antibiotics. Two of them this time, twice daily. To go all month. Still on them.
And just at the point that I was starting to feel a little better, I caught my younger nephew's cold/stomach virus. I've been dizzy and nauseated all week. Which has been making taking the antibiotics a challange. Heck, everything's a challenge.
I applied for unemployment at the beginning of the month. Had to have a phone interview last week. Did I get it? I'll find out via letter. Soon, I hope.
I need a job. I need to move out. Things have got to change. Maybe I can couchsurf somewhere. I have just got to find some breathing room. My parents keep ratcheting up the pressure. Which doesn't help with the stomach virus and the kidney infection and, oh, by the way, the grief. But my folks think I should be over that by now....so they've said....
It's been an FML kind of month, really. Mis.er.a.ble.
Happiness, schmappiness....I just want to get the hell out of Dodge and be able to pay my rent while doing so. OMG. Why must everything be so hard?
Hira thanks for sharing this. First, from just a wordly standpoint - a psychological one - every expert says the loss of a spouse is THE hardest trauma to "get over" - and "You should be over it" - well - it's always said by people who have spouses isn't it?
ReplyDeleteI get the wanting to get out of Dodge - and wanting to be independent and the illness - I really do. I just prayed for you.
I know everyone puts on a mask - everything is Ok, I'm fine, no problems - and then add the burden of pretending we're fine around other Christians - but this world is seriously broken - BROKEN and grief, and pain and hurt are always knocking at the door.
Who knows - maybe some people are in total peace all the time. But I doubt even that - even Mother Theresa had dark times, and my favorite Saint Jeanne of Arc too - even Our Lord had the dark moment in the Garden. You have a lot weighing on you. I have prayed. God Bless.
Thanks, Craig...both for your kind words and your prayers. They are appreciated. God bless.
ReplyDeleteI've been wanting to get a copy of the Christ in Gethsemene icon...it speaks to me, for the reasons you've said above.
My mother never said she wanted me to be "over" Rich, but I know she talked to the others in the family about it all. People want you to get over it because then they don't have to see you hurting, don't have to watch the rawness, they don't have to feel so helpless. It's why i spent so long on thfe phone to friends miles away, and not talking to my family, because it hurt them to see me hurt.
ReplyDeleteIn a way there was an aspect of me that didn't want to get on with my life, because the grief was safe - I knew how it felt and whilst i t was grim as all hell, cit was familiar and secure. To be happy again runs the risk of being brought to grief again and who ever, EVER, wants those first weeks and months again?
Oh, and in the uk, it's normal to have a range of illnesses after bereavement as your body is thought to have a depleted immune system. Its ok. You're ok. You're amazing in fact! God made you, and He doesn't make mistakes.
Thank you, s'me. Thank you so much. ((((HUGS)))) across the miles.
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